A Closer Walk with Thee- From a Mother's Perspective

Today I am grateful for the little pitter-patter of feet that came to my bedroom door before sunrise. There was a light tap on the door and a faint voice that said, "Mommy, I had a bad dream..". As I called to her, "come in" the door squeaked open, and there it was -that moment I live each day for. That moment that is almost indescribable, but I will fumble to try to find the appropriate words. It was only a second, but a significant one. Her face lit up brighter than a thousand stars when I told her to come to me. She climbed in bed with me and I nestled her in the crease of my arm and held her. As she closed her eyes, my mind began to wonder about what I had just seen. I had just witnessed her spirit, a tiny glimpse of her soul absorbing the reassurance of my love. She knew then that her heart and feelings were of value to me. A tear slid down my cheek as I thought of her stumbling through the darkness to find me, but I hadn't known, until I heard those little feet. I didn't reject her or turn her away to go back and face that darkness alone. No, I wanted her and she could feel it. Then my mind navigated towards my Father, He never wants us to be in the darkness alone either. He will never reject us, unless, we reject His Son. If we have rejected His Son, as long as we have breath, we can turn that around. He patiently waits but only for so long, to pull us out of the darkness. I'm glad I'm no longer in that darkness and as I lay there holding my 'baby', ultimately, I knew He was holding us both.

One Year Reflection

It's been a year since we said goodbye to our home in Virginia to pursue what some call our "radical obedience" in following Christ. (It doesn't seem fair to call it "radical" when all we are doing is following our instructions, the Bible.) So, this means it is time for a little personal reflection. 

What a journey it has been so far! I've had many lessons since moving here to North Carolina, each strengthening me in my faith and sanctifying me just a little more each step of the way.

But still, I fall so short. 

In hindsight, I can see the lessons and I am grateful that God continues to work in me.

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 11:12

We sold our home and most of our possessions (because it was just cheaper to sell than to haul and rent storage space because of the new smaller living accommodations at school). 

Do I miss it? Not really, but I do miss the people. I miss it a lot more for my children though. I know how much they do. They have made friends and joined groups here but there is just no place like home.

We even moved to a larger house off campus now, but what we discovered about ourselves, was we were searching for something and looking to fill a void with something that was not in a house.

The kids confide in me and share stories of our past. We laugh and cry through our grief and loss. They do most of the laughing and I do most of the crying alone, so they are not confused by the division of my spirit and flesh.

They miss the stability and reassurance of knowing what to anticipate next, their childhood home, their friends, their old rooms, and all of our family that lived so close by. 

We all gave up something to be here. 

I have to remind them we are bigger than ourselves. God looks at all of His children and wants us ALL to be reconciled to Him. 

If we don't, who will?

We are here for a reason, ALL of us, to be discipled. As we learn, we teach them. Each of us working and striving together, every day, to be a little more Christlike. 

When the days of homesickness are overwhelming we remind each other that someone else's salvation could be dependent on what we learn here. We cannot believe the lie that our time here is insignificant. What we are doing here is important.

However, it is still hard to look into those beautiful eyes and know that the sliver of sadness I see, I am responsible for. My deepest hope though, is that maybe, just maybe, I'm instilling in them the true meaning of following Christ. It took me 30 years to understand what following Jesus really meant and what it truly looked like. How much more beneficial for them if they learn this early? They will be able to accomplish so much more for Gods Kingdom. This brings me great hope and joy for their futures.

If I only I hadn't read:

“Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.” Matthew 16:24

"Deny". Yep, that's right, "deny", Jesus said it himself. Let that sink in. That has been our lesson this year. The art of saying no to ourselves and yes to Jesus. It hasn't been easy, actually, it's been much harder than I even anticipated. We have shed tears but He is so worthy and I would do it all again. Each day we have a new choice to stay or go back. Each day we have to pray for strength to stay the course.

This is why I have chosen this picture from the movie UP today.

This was me at the beginning of this year, desperately trying to obey Christ yet wanting to also hold on to everything I knew about home. I would have hand tied all 100,000 balloons to my own home to try to float it here and hold on to that security, especially for my children's sake. But we couldn't have a foot in each world. I had to learn to place my security in Jesus completely. He taught me that. I learned to release each string, one by one until it was completely gone from sight and I was vulnerable. (This is exceptionally hard for a control freak, like myself.) But now I have built trust and with this trust, I can honestly say I would go anywhere He instructed. Anywhere. I've fallen completely in love with Him because I've found my identity in Him. The closer I get to Him the closer I want to be. He consumes me. He has built my faith stronger and He is my Friend. I have learned to lean into Him a little more each day and I've learned to trust that He does indeed want to give me a hope and a future.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Like a patient Father, with outstretched arms for his toddler, He reached His arms out for me and said "come". 

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Matthew 26:41

We want so badly to hold on to our will but God loves us too much to allow this. It's amazing how He has gracefully led me down this path. His love brought me to this new revelation about home:

Home is a feeling, not a house. It's security in family, not a structure.

We had to rewrite our idea of home. We continue to rewrite this truth on our hearts daily, so we don't slip back in to that old way of thinking. 

But we press on.

You know the song. If you don't, you should:

http://youtu.be/9pv5wVS7yzk

"Life goes on, life goes on
But Your love will prove
All I need, all I need
I will find in You
Life goes on, life goes on
But Your love will prove
All I need, all I need
I will find in You
I press on"

You can press on too. 

You can find His Will for your life, if you're brave enough to ask. Don't be afraid.

Many of us let jobs and the pursuit of wealth navigate our lives or where we move and live. Do you ever think about how much more wonderful and fulfilling your life could be if you let The Lord, our Creator and Savior direct your paths? He purposed our lives from the beginning. He has specific destinations and tasks for each of us to accomplish. It may not always be the easiest way but remember, He owns you if you claim to be Christian. At first it's hard, you want, you pray, you beg, you plead for Him to bend His Will towards yours. But He loves us too much. He may even press harder so that we rid our lives of distractions so we can focus better on Him. Even this is good.

Trust His plan and let go of your desire and pray for His to become clear. He will catch you and show you  the better way. 

I pray you find this security that can only be found in Him.

He is my joy. He is my resting place. He is my comfort. He is my home now and He is worthy of it all.

My Heart's Desire

I have seen birth and I have witnessed death. The presence of God is real and palpable in both. We gasp when that defining breath is taken and our hearts experience arrhythmia as we reflect in the twinkling of an eye, on the fragility of life. Each life is created for purpose. The purpose of love. Love is the answer every time. God is the Source; let me be His vessel.

Who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:4

He Chose Me

June 11th, 2013

How wonderful it is to be able to say He Did Choose Me:

I'm in my new apartment 200 miles from home and in another state. My best friend aka husband is back home working diligently until his new job begins down in Raleigh. Oh how I miss him so very much. My children are snuggled in bed and I'm sitting here staring at the walls and how bare they are right now. It's been driving me crazy but Ive pledged to myself that I will not decorate until everything is unpacked. So Im unpacking with urgency. That and I know the faster I work the sooner my children will become more at ease with the decisions we've made to move so far away. (I am so blessed with the children I have been given, their willing and flexible spirits amaze me. They've not uttered one negative word about leaving.) However, I can tell you Ive mapped in my mind where each picture, fixture, and art work will go. ;) Thats called multitasking, Friends. The blank walls are a bit symbolic; don't you think? We too are clean slates; we've been stripped down to the bare essentials. A four thousand square foot home to a thousand. It feels good, liberating, and exciting... My whole life was mapped out before me in VA. How boring and depressing. I love my family, my friends and our church back home but I know theres more God wants me to accomplish and experience. I can feel it burning in my soul waiting for someone to hit the release valve. I do wish I could get some of our closest family members to be a little more supportive but like Jesus, true understanding can not be achieved in your hometown.  Read here: http://home.earthlink.net/~ronrhodes/qjesusmiracles.html

My heart is alive here. Where we go and what we do is solely Gods prerogative now. We have given Jesus the wheel.

I know I'm just starting this book and I'm opening it with high expectations and aspirations but with God all things are possible. I may stumble but I will not fall.

We're running to you Jesus!

We are in the process of moving from VA to NC to further our education for our ministry. We sold pretty much everything we could in our 3700 sq ft home and moved to a 1000 sq ft apartment. I'm excited to see what the next chapter holds for us!! We will keep you posted!